Now now hold on, I know you saw that picture of the title screen and are now judging me but just wait! I honestly can’t tell you where I first heard of this game but it was on my Steam wishlist for months before it came out and I bought it instantly. Why did I choose this? Well I have TWO good reasons for that! Wait no, not like that, I just love platformers and this game has an interesting premise! And the pixel art!
Wife Quest is a platformer where you play as a woman named Mia whose husband Fernando gets kidnapped by some monster girls. Mia is a very angry passionate woman who dislikes when her partner is flirted with by anyone but her. One day while they slept Morganna the big bad witch(?) whisks the good Nando away. Mia wakes up extremely pissed and goes on the warpath.
Allow me to explain the gameplay. At the onset, Mia can jump, swing her sword, and grapple. Oh you’re confused about grappling? I’ll explain that in a bit. Besides the first level most of them take about 10-15 minutes to beat. Levels are broken up into smaller sections that you traverse as you move from screen-to-screen. There are also hidden areas that contain chests. You can pick up currency, hearts, and mana from enemies and containers.
Alright before I explain grappling let me say this: This game is very HORNY. There is no nudity, no allusions/depictions of sex, nothing wild like that, but man does this game toe the line. When an enemy has their health depleted they fall down to the ground. Mia can then walk up to them and get them in various holds that cause them pain until they expire. During which they audibly react. Some of these look normal, like something you’d see in AEW, while others look like they should be performed behind closed doors.
But what is the point of the horny grapples? Well when you perform them in-game, you unlock them in the gallery! Now you can keep watching them! Please don’t do that too much. You can also unlock horny pictures of Mia and the other characters. And you can peep your trophy progress. This game has some nice non-horned up music that you can play while browsing the unlock screens. And you can unlock more tunes when you find musical notes in-game!
Now that I have addressed all the light-on-spoiler preliminaries, it is time to get into the guts of the game. The first level consists of the area where Mia’s house resides, and we are racing towards the end in an attempt to get back our husband. This is a grasslands area with snake ladies and horned women. When we reach said end, we run into Morganna and prepare for battle.
Morganna beats the brakes off of us. Unequivocally. She then leaves. We keep running and nab a shield(the shield retrieval might have come before the battle I can’t remember). We’ve “beaten” the first level! The first screen we see is one called Ymir’s Challenges, which gives us tasks to complete in each level but who on earth is Ymir?
The lady Ymir is the woman who runs the shop where you can buy various items to assist our heroine. Ymir also wants our husband. She’ll mention it constantly. In addition to claiming Fernando, Ymir will give us details about to upcoming boss. But we’ll talk bosses later. Onward to the Fairy Forest!
The Fairy Forest is mostly trees. Obviously. There are some lifts, some platforms up high, and cliffs. But who are we fighting? Plant ladies who hide in the ground until you get close, Amazonian archers who rapid fire arrows, and bat-winged harpies/butterfly-winged fairies that will attempt to dive bomb you with no remorse. But Mia can get past all that, she’s skilled. But who is waiting for her at the level’s end?
It’s Tania, the large-breasted fairy. Now why would I add that last part you ask? I added it because every boss in this game makes fun of Mia for having a flat chest. They do it constantly. Anyway Young Nando is trying to run from Tania but she wants to play hide-and-seek. But then Mia shows up and it’s violence. After defeating Tania Mia pulls off her wings, and places them on herself. Now Mia can glide! You might think the wing removal was overkill but Ymir assures us that Tania’s wings grow back.
Our next location? The Deep Caves! This is an underground mine with random crystals jutting out everywhere and too many lifts. There are also gates blocking off other areas and an egregious amount of rotating spike traps. The enemies here are some flying bat-women, an ogre woman with a club, a horned woman with an even bigger club, and an archer whose attack pattern I cannot remember. A little tidbit: none of the women in this game besides Mia are human.
When we reach the end of our spelunking we find Sir Fern hanging with Red, a very drunk, non-skinny(another Mia diss) ogre. It looks like Fern has had a glass but Red has a container that is three-fifths her size, and she wants Nando to do another round(stop it) with her. Mia comes in hot and call Red a drunk but Red takes Fern and does the race. After Red’s failed flirts with Fern Mia shows up and it’s time to fight again. After beating up a drunk like the heroes we are and stealing her cool spiked mace, we exit these accursed caverns.
Yeah this article done got super long, so I’m splitting this into two parts. Check back next week for the nail-biting conclusion! Please don’t bite your nails.
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