It was just another Saturday. I was sitting around watching VeggieTales on TBN. The main story just ended and they were playing random songs to fill their time slot. One of the last songs they played was called “Goodnight Junior”. This song is about Junior’s Mom attempting to tuck him in bed while he insists he cannot sleep without one of his toys. This got me thinking…is Junior Asparagus biracial? I believe he is, and I’ve collected some evidence that would appear to prove my point.
You might be wondering about what kind of “blackness” test I’ve devised for young Junior. You’re probably imagining a chart where I add up all his rap features, the times he wore a backwards cap, and how many bodies he’s caught. Or a slang-o-meter that gives us a reading on his connection to the streets. No. I’m not doing any of that. That’s racist. I’m just gonna look at his parents. Stop being weird.
Mike Asparagus is Junior’s father and he is whiter than Wonder Bread. This is a fact that cannot be disputed. He even says things like “What’s all that racket,” and “I love you little mister.” Any doubts about this are blown away by his various outfits. And I’m not considering VeggieTales in the House(an abomination) in my evaluation but that basically told us all we needed to know.
When you started reading this article you probably already knew that my argument was gonna be that Junior’s mom, Lisa Asparagus was black. So let’s get to it! In Rack, Shack, & Benny when Mr. Nezzer is singing the all-time classic “The Bunny Song” he has three backup singers that look exactly like Lisa. And the style of the backup singers resembles quite a few black women singing groups from the seventies. Second, she has an afro! No, no, the dad does not have a fro, his hair is just curly. Third, she dresses like a southern grandma. That doesn’t help my case in anyway, but when you assess the evidence as a whole it all makes sense.
And there it is, Junior Asparagus is biracial. Some of you knew this already, and some of you must feel ecstatic at the representation you didn’t know was there. So now when you watch VeggieTales, you’ll smile a little bit harder.
A potential topic for a future article: “Is “Pickle” the N-Word for Cucumbers?”
Thank you for thinking veggie tales in the house is an abomination. It truly is.
I'mma be honest, that is not quite enough evidence. I've seen white women do the exact same style of backup dancing, also that part about her having an afro is just positively untrue, that isn't even hair, she's just an asparagus. Also if you mean she "dresses like a southern grandma" She's just frikkin nude!
I appreciate the level of effort put into this, but it only takes one look at her to see the truth. Her skin is green. She's from mars. It was aliens the whole time.
YES.